This triptych of Polish horrors are really remarkable in their unrelenting shitness. My thanks to Ugly Jesus' official photographer Oliver Blackcock (don't google that name unless you have very specific needs) for letting me use these images from his own personal stash. Once again I'm unable to provide any apparatus for these munting bloaters but they reside in Hanseatic castle in Northern Poland.
Again, like the piratical bloater of the first post there seems to be a theme of making Jesus look like an evil Tory politician. Starting with the first image of Ugly Jesus on the far left, although it is hard to ignore Mary sporting the sort of haircut normally reserved to the educationally subnormal, there is something utterly terrifying about his slightly ruddy cheeks and preternaturally odd hairline and his hand melting into Mary's ear. A sort of holy t-1000. Mary, with those blank black eyes and pursed lips, looks like George Osborne overseeing a cull of poor unwashed proles while our little Messiah looks a mini Michael Gove full of evil intent like a ventriloquist's dummy. And look at those ears. It seems that the sculptor had never seen ears before and decide to model them on chippolatas.
The second image is a little darker, as ickle Jesus has been robbed of his arms and has instead seen them replaced with a screws. It could well be the plot of modern Japanese horror film, presumably involving Jesus being slowly turning into a giant dongle. Moreover, it appears that his face has been ravaged by the debilitating effects of tertiary syphilis the dirty little bugger. Aside from that Jesus seems to be in rude health, with those slightly saggy pecs and bloating tummy suggesting that if he were alive today, in a real sense not a silly he is part of god-trinitarian silliness which means he in fact everywhere, he'd be on the cover of Daily Mail being called a lard arse and part of the obesity epidemic. And Polish.
The last image, which is strangely endearing, shows a chuddy little Jesus looking slightly folorn holding one of those cheap super shoot footballs from the local newsagent (a damn site better present than those brought by the three wise men, although less profound) that seems not to have been forgotten by the Old Testament, which I think we can all agree is sad. Jesus' right leg is also slightly odd, with a calf not based on human anatomy. But with his squat pumpkin head and his little football this thing at least portrays Jesus as a baby rather than sprandled gnome who is basically a miniature adult. But still, I'm not sure he is worth paedo-ing up. Also, there is the re-occurrence of the odd arm that melts in Mary's neck. It makes you think that maybe Skynet have taken it to the next level and forgotten about John Connors and 1990s Los Angeles. Come on Cameron, you know this would make a great premise for Terminator 5. In fact you could team up with Mel Gibson.
Another theme does appear to be emerging, that of making Mary as terrifying as possible. In the first we have already seen her modelled on Osborne and in this last image we have here based on a giant spuddly muppet. I never knew that Mary could have been a heavyweight boxing contender, with a neck like Mike Tyson. Also her body seems to have been based on a wine bottle. Polish sculptors are clearly not exactly masters of their chosen trade. Or maybe this is undocumented cost of an immaculate conception; total body spank.
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