Jesus as corpulent frog

Immaculate conception my arse.

Sadly, I know very little of the provenance of this little prized bloater as I was too busy taking flash photographs whilst not getting caught by a decrepit curator to note down the artist or year. But let us not dwell on the lack of scholarly apparatus and focus instead on the sheer terror Jesus has unleashed on his audience. 

The chap in the foreground on our left, his right hand pointing at the Whitstable Fairy of God, has that tell tell "fuck me, Mary has given birth to 19th Century Tory politician face" his eyes black with fear. If this is Joseph, he must be cursing the day that the floozy archangel Gabriel sent Baby Jesus down a coil into Mary's ear [fact Daddy!!]  and lumbered him with a balloon faced muppet to raise. 

To our right, the shepherds and wisemen have just arrived from the local "Pirates of the Carribean" party and are clearly all concerned by Jesus' lack of arms and preternatural jowl. Again, we can see a hand pointing, albeit this time anonymously, to little Jesus and we can only assume that if the painter had a larger canvas the other hand would over his mouth holding back the sick. Indeed, such is the disgusting hold of Jesus on his audience, they have totally failed to notice the giant fireball emerging from the top left corner of the picture coming to engulf them all. In the words of Daphne and Celeste "U - G - L - Y, you ain't got no alibi, you UGLY." 

Mary, too, looks slightly odd. Not unlike a slightly deflated condom akin to Steve Bell's delightful rendering of David "We're in this together" Cameron. Clearly, this must be down to the shock. The fact that Jesus appears to embedded in a pillow, entombed in swaddling and with a double chin so big it makes Winston Churchill look human her appearance is not surprising. Jesus, given he is but a few minutes old, has a remarkable barnet too and has been to look a little bit too much like that kid, Bobby methinks, from King of the Hill. 

Frankly, if I where the son of an omnipotent creator I'd get Carter Fucks on the phone and sue the shit out of the painter for such  an outrageous portrayal.