WTF.

You'll have to take my word that this is actually Jesus and Mary as if it weren't for the apparatus, which despite hitting the heights last time round have disappeared this time round as this picture was taken whilst deep undercover, it would be far from easy to describe these two as human let alone as the son of God and his mum. The previous images have at least had the decency to make Mary look human and not like a giant anthropomorphic ping pong ball crossed with Dr. Manhattan (although without the flaccid  translucent penis which so damaged my enjoyment of that film) while Jesus, albeit ugly fat and generally degenerate, was an ickle child not a phrenological wet dream. Although, I'd still prefer to look like this than the Michael Gove lookalike Jesus.

I appreciate that the middle ages were bleak and that we lost some key skills somehow but if any child did this while addled on e-numbers at school I'd imagine he get referred to a child psychologist faster than you can say Baby P rather than have it put in a museum for posterity. It is so mental that it is really hard to add anything of value. Just look at Mary. Really look at her. She hasn't got any ears. Or hair. She has multiple metal nipples and solid white eye balls.  In fact she looks like an extra from Dalek porn. All very odd. I'd imagine Joseph must have been thanking his lucky stars that Jesus was immaculately conceived in the face of this all encompassing horror.

What on earth was the artist thinking, one would hope his aristocratic patron gave him a damn fine thrashing on receiving this piece of art.  Frankly, if this was designed to curry favour with our Lord God, you'd be utterly fucked. Why not just smear a canvas with faeces had it over to God and prepare for a long stint in the seventh circle of hell along with Noel Edmonds and Monty Don.  In fact you might even win the faarckin' turner prize, you farckin' conceptual cant. Sorry, I accidentally morphed into the Daily Telegraph for a moment.

Strangely, I find Jesus endearing. Doing his best to focus on his little book and ignoring the fact that his mother is a monster and getting on with his lot in life. Little does he know that he'll end up starring in a Mel Gibson movie, flayed and then crucified. At least it gets worse before it gets better. And as for the slightly odd metal crown. I have no idea. The mind boggles. It really does.

I was told that by choosing such a narrow topic for my blog I'd soon run out of subject matter but as I furrow a lonely path through these myriad ecclesiastical horrors I look to the future with ever more confidence knowing that where there is faith there is mind numbing, bowel fillingly awful artists paedoing up Jesus. This is just the start. Oh yes.

Jesus as a flouncing girl

Artist - Jacob Jordaens

Title - The Holy Family and Saint John the Baptist

The Christ Child stands in front of the Virgin holding rosary beads, while Saint Joseph looks on from behind, and the infant Baptist on the left holds a cross. Probably painted between 1620 and 1625, perhaps under the influence of Caravaggio's "Madonna of the Rosary" (Vienna, Kunsthistorisches Museum) which was at that time was in the Dominican church in Antwerp.

Check my apparatus out. You'd be lying to me if you said you aren't just a little aroused. I am. 

It is also worth mentioning that this delight can be seen in person at the National Gallery, in London for those poor lost souls from foreign shores who have stumbled across this site, for those who want to paedo baby Jesus up close and personal. 

This is the first of all the images in which Jesus can't be described as a Tory MP looking more like a youthful Dutch sprout instead. Perhaps the most interesting part of this painting is the young chap in the back ground who appears to be fixating on little Jesus' bum, the sick little bugger thinking of how to make best use of his young friend. Hot crumpet anyone?

And why is Jesus wearing what looks like an alice band? As with all the other little Jesus' we've studied thus far, Jesus is always conceived of as a giant bloater and this chap is no exception with the a delightfully fully formed front bottom (which must have all those Catholic types frothing in excitement) which I always thought was a product of Broken Britain not ye olden times.  Combine his front bottom with arms of sausage and a tummy of chuddiness, it is hard to avoid the conclusion that Jesus was a fat little bugger. 

Mary, at least, has been made to look human which is nice change of tempo compared to her haggard appearance in the other pictures. However, she does look a little bit lost and a bit like she is on smack. But that is  hardly surprising given that if an angel had visited me and to tell me he'd God was going slide a baby into my body via my ear I'd probably get on heroin, and if not heroin definitely I'd get the gin out. 

As for the hirsute chap in the background, stroking his beard he is probably wondering how they are going to manage the food bills when that fat bastard gets off the tit and needs solids instead as well as scoring the drugs for Mary. Poor sod.

Those Poles coming over here making Jesus look like a muppet (and Michael Gove)

This triptych of Polish horrors are really remarkable in their unrelenting shitness.  My thanks to Ugly Jesus' official photographer Oliver Blackcock (don't google that name unless you have very specific needs) for letting me use these images from his own personal stash. Once again I'm unable to provide any apparatus for these munting bloaters but they reside in Hanseatic castle in Northern Poland.

Again, like the piratical bloater of the first post there seems to be a theme of making Jesus look like an evil Tory politician. Starting with the first image of Ugly Jesus on the far left, although it is hard to ignore Mary sporting the sort of haircut normally reserved to the educationally subnormal, there is something utterly terrifying about his slightly ruddy cheeks and preternaturally odd hairline and his hand melting into Mary's ear. A sort of holy t-1000. Mary, with those blank black eyes and pursed lips, looks like George Osborne overseeing a cull of poor unwashed proles while our little Messiah looks a mini Michael Gove full of evil intent like a ventriloquist's dummy. And look at those ears. It seems that the sculptor had never seen ears before and decide to model them on chippolatas.

The second image is a little darker, as ickle Jesus has been robbed of his arms and has instead seen them replaced with a screws. It could well be the plot of modern Japanese horror film, presumably involving Jesus being slowly turning into a giant dongle. Moreover, it appears that his face has been ravaged by the debilitating effects of tertiary syphilis the dirty little bugger. Aside from that Jesus seems to be in rude health, with those slightly saggy pecs and bloating tummy suggesting that if he were alive today, in a real sense not a silly he is part of god-trinitarian silliness which means he in fact everywhere, he'd be on the cover of Daily Mail being called a lard arse and part of the obesity epidemic. And Polish.

The last image, which is strangely endearing, shows a chuddy little Jesus looking slightly folorn holding one of those cheap super shoot footballs from the local newsagent (a damn site better present than those brought by the three wise men, although less profound) that seems not to have been forgotten by the Old Testament, which I think we can all agree is sad. Jesus' right leg is also slightly odd, with a calf not based on human anatomy. But with his squat pumpkin head and his little football this thing at least portrays Jesus as a baby rather than sprandled gnome who is basically a miniature adult. But still, I'm not sure he is worth paedo-ing up. Also, there is the re-occurrence of the odd arm that melts in Mary's neck. It makes you think that maybe Skynet have taken it to the next level and forgotten about John Connors and 1990s Los Angeles. Come on Cameron, you know this would make a great premise for Terminator 5. In fact you could team up with Mel Gibson.

Another theme does appear to be emerging, that of making Mary as terrifying as possible. In the first we have already seen her modelled on Osborne and in this last image we have here based on a giant spuddly muppet. I never knew that Mary could have been a heavyweight boxing contender, with a neck like Mike Tyson. Also her body seems to have been based on a wine bottle. Polish sculptors are clearly not exactly masters of their chosen trade. Or maybe this is undocumented cost of an immaculate conception; total body spank.