Jesus recommends JIF. Or CIF. Or just really likes Lemons.

The Virgin and Child with the Baptist and an Angel by Paolo Morando.

Two posts in one day, these are heady times indeed.

I was flicking through the repository of Ugly Jesus pictures that I've stored and came across this one, and was so flabbergasted that I felt compelled to share it with the world. Jesus is not strictly ugly. In fact he is disgustingly pretty and has more than a hint of the Fonze about him and he is the smug owner of a lemon, which is apparently used to allude to the weaning of Christ.

Okay, I gave up Religious Studies at a young age, but surely this is total bollocks. Sorry for the wartime language, but I've always been one to call a knave a knave. I googled "Jesus weaned lemon" to get to the bottom of this biblical quandary and after the inevitable torrent of jesus porn, evangelical whimsy and kindred horrors I found this which while not strictly relevant demonstrates the powerful intellects which have been given a new public voice by the internet and guide us morons into the light.

"I explain to my children as thus if you would visualize a lemon Jesus is the rind - the skin that actually was seen, the Holy Spirit is the juice that follows from the lemon and God is like the rest of the inside. A lemon is not just a rind and juice it is all parts which make up a lemon." 


The word genius is bandied around with alarming regularity these days but EasternVesper (if that is your real name) you really are a powerhouse who have been given a voice that would have remained silent without the miracle of the web. Praise be. "God is like the rest of the inside" Such dazzling concision combined with unparalleled depth of thought makes all subsequent theological study redundant. Although, I'm not sure how pleased God would be (given his small minded, blood thirsty nature) to be compared to the pips and flesh of a lemon. Frankly, if my wife compared me to a lemon I'd feel a little disappointed.

Now, if this lemon nonsense shocked you what I'm about to say might really frazzle your minds. Who is holding the lemon? I initially thought it would be the long distant founder of the house of Del Monte or some such silliness and I was also sure it was a girl. Flowing ginger locks and pure complexion, a little biblical phwoar and maybe a schwing. But no. The individual with the lemon is a rather dishy looking John the Baptist. Ding dong. Ooh la laa. With her, sorry, his head coquettishly tilted teasing us with his juicy lemon he is a paedo-dream [which I'd like to trademark as I think it has a touch of class about it]. And what lovely knees. Frankly, it is all a bit homoerotic. However, because of this it gets the most important of all tags Heroin Apparatus Mental as this picture is just bloody odd.

Little Ginger Mungo. Sorry I mean Jesus.

Once again this blog was on the brink of the digital abyss and once more it is dragged back precipice to take its place among the flotsam of the internet. This picture is entitled The Virgin and Child with a Shoot of Olive by the lesser known Italian artist Andrea Previtali. His obscure status is quite easily explained; a complete lack of talent. This hasn't stopped the National Gallery displaying this atrocious spank, the sort of mundane horror that would have had Mr. Ratcliffe, an art teacher from my dim and distant path (who gave me 100% for my mock Art GCSE in case anyone who reads this tawdry bog nonsense doubts my qualifications as an art critic), standing behind making the sort of noise that would be more usually associated with a fatally constipated mule than one appreciating fine art. Rather than rubbishing the whole picture, I should in face highlight some of its finer points, because there are some.

Mary, although she has a face that compares unfavourably to a saucepan, does at least look wholly human and not like the crack addled daughter of Andrew Lansley which normally characterise representations of the ickle Virgin. Although, Mr. Previtali appears to have taken his eye of the ball when rendering Mary's left hand which is a monstrous trident-esque appendage wrapped around the ample gut of our gloriously bouffanted messiah who looks like a dull eyed moron not the saviour of mankind. However, given that his mother has a hand that appears to have been modelled on a teenage mutant ninja turtle he seems to be going okay.

Jesus is ginger so I would be betraying the brotherhood by slating him too much, but his face is really too much to bear. A giant forehead, a ridiculous haircut, funnel like ears and thighs so chubby they defy any normal adjective and quite why he is wearing some odd see through fetish gear is beyond me...... In fact, although I'm going to sound like a NuZanuPF [copyright CIF] Londonite twat, he looks a bit like Terry Gilliam's Faust (which is rather good if you can get a ticket) but that is about as complimentary as one can get. Either that or a portly middle aged, privately schooled barrister with severe gout and a crush on his wet nurse. What is that meant to be, what is Jesus wearing? If the Daily Mail saw this Melanie Phillips would demand that this picture be burnt and then force fed to a third world nation. Previtali is clearly a pervert of the highest order. Frankly he'd have been better off focusing on how to master perspective or anatomy rather than dressing Jesus in clingfilm.